Connection Management

One of the most beautiful things i've ever experienced. Hats off to the Sun guys...
An excerpt from J2EE ConnectorArchitecture Specification:

"The application server uses the deployment descriptor mechanism to configure the resource adapter in the operational environment.
The resource adapter provides connection and connection factory interfaces. A connection factory acts as a factory for EIS connections. For example, javax.sql.DataSource and java.
sql.Connection interfaces are JDBC-based interfaces for connectivity to a relational
database.
The CCI defines javax.resource.cci.ConnectionFactory and javax.resource.cci.Connection as interfaces for a connection factory and a connection respectively. The application component does a lookup of a connection factory in the JNDI name space. It uses the connection factory to get a connection to the underlying EIS. The connection factory instance delegates the connection creation request to the ConnectionManager instance.
The ConnectionManager enables the application server to provide different quality of services in the managed application scenario. These quality of services include transaction management, security, error logging and tracing, and connection pool management. The application server provides these services in its own implementation-specific way. The connector architecture does not specify how the application server implements these services.

The ConnectionManager instance, on receiving a connection creation request from the connection factory, does a lookup in the connection pool provided by the application server. If there is no connection in the pool that can satisfy the connection request, the application server uses the ManagedConnectionFactory interface (implemented by the resource adapter) to create a new physical connection to the underlying EIS. If the application server finds a matching
connection in the pool, then it uses the matching ManagedConnection instance to satisfy the connection request. If a new ManagedConnection instance is created, the application server adds the new ManagedConnection instance to the connection pool. The application server registers a ConnectionEventListener with the ManagedConnection instance. This listener enables application server to get event notifications related to the state of the ManagedConnection instance. The application server uses these notifications to manage connection pooling, manage transactions, cleanup connections, and handle any error conditions. The application server uses the ManagedConnection instance to get a connection instance that acts as an application-level handle to the underlying physical connection. An instance of type javax.resource.cci.Connection is an example of such a connection handle. An application component uses the connection handle to access EIS resources. The resource adapter implements the XAResource interface to provide support for transaction management. The resource adapter also implements the LocalTransaction interface so that the application server can manage transactions internal to a resource manager. The chapter on transaction management describes this transaction management contract between the application server (and its transaction manager) and the resource adapter (and its underlying resource manager)."

In short, just follow a specification and write java connectors to almost any EIS.

Abandoned???

Hmmm. This place surely looks desolated...

http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1102/465/1600/vevuback.jpg

Alles Gute zum Geburtstag!

Temperature Normal, Pressure Normal, Mood happy, Height: 6'4'' again normal in my context, Weight Normal...

Nothing changed.

Feeling happy seeing so many smiling, happy faces wishing you. One after the another. People in from of your eyes, people on various communication channels, people sitting @ great distances wish you. Feel so good.

Nothing changed again.

Set myself up for the office. Zipped through heavy traffic. Reached finally. And on time. Moments of embarrassment, balloons taped to the computer screen @ my workstation. G*d. I Smiled @ it.

People rushed in to greet. Smiling faces again. Team mates, ODC mates, HCL mates. Then the flurry of mails. One after the another. Just keeps coming. The web client crashes. Unread mails number increasing with every minute.

Nothing changed again, except one thought came into picture which got me into the wanderer mode. Finding the answer to the question attached with every greeting. "So how are you feeling today!" Really don't know how should i feel today. Checked all parameters again. Feeling normal today again. No change in any of the attributes. Fired a question @ myself, "Hey...are you missin something?" Still wandering. What are my expectations on this day? Isn't it just another day. If its not then boy i certainly need to find out what to do. Probably next time i'll be able to answer differently.

Nothing changed again.

Whatever it is...it turned out to be a rockin day. Like most days.

Introspection

Midnight is where the day begins…slight eXception in my case. The day had begun much before midnight. A best friend calls through out the day, "Rishabh, by any chance are we meeting today…what size do you prefer M or L?" Hey shut up, I don't like this. "Ok, beat me up when we meet but reply, M or L…She's also with me, she also wants this." I surrendered to these people. After all these are my friends.

Then another friend calls up and sings the natal day song … much in advance. The time doesn't matter. The feeling does. Made some plans for the evening. Another call, another friend, sister of the previous caller, the plan gets cancelled, feasibility problem. Compromised on next weekend.

Then comes the surprise, the magic words…"Hey me coming to Delhi next weekend…do come to pick me up…but can't afford to be naughty again like last time…mom's gonna grind me. Happy Birthday Rishabh. This great foody and sleeping giant can't face the torture of waking till midnight to wish me. But a great surprise and also a great birthday present. Looking forward for next week.

"Hey lets meet tomorrow yaar…after office. I can even come to your place right now…if you can take an off tomorrow?" Wish I could! Never mind… the next evening's plan is done. Three of us, @ a gr8 place, will have a gr8 time. Hope nothing gets screwed up.

Then comes the movie, War of the Worlds. Amazing special effects, but ends abruptly, more entertaining than the movie was the effects on a very close friend sitting next to me. Fear, excitement, joy, sorrows everything in one package.

The clock showed all zeroes. These two nuts punched me hard. Then the happy birthday whisper, whisper since this was all that could be done in a packed theater.
Good'ol Navy called up, must say, 12 years since I know this guy, always the first one to call. Then the messages, closest friends again. One message was eXceptionally good. Lot of hard thinking must have gone. Awesome. Feels so good.

Reached home, felt like blogging. Doing so. Don't know if this blog makes any sense, but to me it does. Why is it so complicated, crap, I don't know! Only thing I know is that the events are unforgettable. Great friends I've got. Phone is still ringing...but it'll never ring with the name I want to see on it.

I'm not drunk for sure, not even feeling sleepy…but certainly not in my senses. Feeling happy, ecstatic, sad and restless, all at the same time.

The day has just begun. Feeling great. Time to hit the sack.
:)

Roar...

God damn it!...What's wrong with my blog? Appears OK on Mozilla FireFox but seems awful on IE. Is Microsoft playing some prank with me? Even superimposing my blog again on the template didn't help. Or its just like that? Action time. Do something about it Rishabh. S O O N.

Status @ 18:00: The cause of the problem is identified. The problem is occurring due to a VERY LARGE SIZED BLOG (Trip to God's country). How I identified this? Well I kept on reducing the 'Number of posts per page' setting till the problem was resolved on Internet Explorer. During this I figured that when this huge post was not displayed on the page, everything worked fine. So something is wrong with this post only.

Action Item: This post needs to be cut into 2-3 parts and each part is to be published as a new post. This might resolve the problem. Next update would be available at 18:30

Status @ 18:30: Problem is resolved. There are three posts now on the rafting xPedition. I would have liked it as one only but this needs to be done since Internet Explorer sucks.

End of Drama, FireFox Rules.

10 things i love doing

not necessarily in the same order...

1) Listening to Music: Read Rock. Infact read U2. Can listen to them all day night long. Hours after Hours, days after days. Apart from U2, LinkinPark, Dave Matthews Band, Metallica, Led Zeppelin, Slayer, GnR, Dire Straits, Bon Jovi, AeroSmith, Bob Dylan, Bryan Adams, Goo Goo Dolls, Mr Big, Hooty n the BlowFish, Pink Floyd, Pearl Jam, Jethro Tull, Steve Vai, RHCP, Rolling Stones, Sting, Incubus, Strings, Silk Route, Lucky Ali.

2) Blogging: Love to write. Write emotions, observations, questions, answers, why's and how's.

3) Movies: Love watching hollywood flicks. Can watch them continously for hours.

4) Spending time with friends, engage in discussions or if nothing then just roaming around.

5) Yog and Meditation.

6) Computer Games: Love gaming. Be it stategies, warfare, racing, arcade, sports anything.

7) Coding. I love to write code. Transforming a weird idea to an intelligent application. Have some un-processed thoughts and ideas and need to convert them to binary language.

8) Sports and games: Cricket, snooker, table tennis, badminton, chess.

9) Guitaring: A novice but started learning.

10) Travelling: I should say the best thing to do xCept listening to music.

Master Supreme

Thank You. For everything. For all the blessings enforced on me. I feel so so damn special, a favourite in true sense. Such a treatment infact such attention would really make anyone think this way. Can it be bettered? Well if yes, then i'm certainly looking for more. Wanna check how much i can imbibe? Try harder.

I Can Do...

I do it because I can,
I can because I want to,
I want to because you said I couldn't.

Unfinished Business! Well this no more seems a punchline to me. So many loose ends. Err...Is there anything in my life which ain't bitten by the wicked evil of cunctation? Will do it the other day! But the day has become weeks, weeks...months, months...well years. May seem unbelievable but its true. Being delaying things since long. Wasn't like this et-al. G*d knows from where this bug of acedia has gotten into self. No short in ambition, no short of dreams and aspirations, but recently not quite able to get over the comfort and some desires which tend to push you two steps backward with every step in the right direction. Where is the restlessness gone? Will have to try h a r d e r to get over this phase. Time to execute the entries in the ToDo List.

Someone please yell these golden lines @ me...

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can get out of it

(slightly abridged)

Rafting xPedition...A trip to God's country - 1

Preface:
The Cast...

Lead's...

Rishabh: The Foody, Zilch swimmer, Knee Head, PeaNut Slinger, RoadHog.
Aparna: The Philosopher, Void Architect, Road Sign BroadCaster.
Kunal: The Iron Man, Knee Head, Systematizer.
Raghavan: Mr Funda, Witty, Jaundice Crusader. [a.k.a. Raghav]

Supporting Crew:
Pappu and Garry: The Saviours, River Messiah's

Special Thanks To...
Neeraj, Sushant: The Organisers

Guest Appearance
The bufallo who made full use of the traffic and licked the rear glass of the car as per convenience.

Uncertainity, if's, but's, how's and whom's. These were the questions when the idea was first concieved. Some people walked off right at at the onset, some screwed up the next day, some said "Sure thing. Just tell me when to leave." Finally it got set. Four of us were all set n xCited to leave on the rafting xPedition. Everyone was charged up.

Friday, 15'th April
The day begins as usual. Stuffed my bag in the car and left for office. The plan was to pick up Kunal in the evening and then the rest two. Reached office, took some driving precautions and route directions from felllow colleagues. Recollected the ToDO and Checklist of the stuff to carry with Kunal and Aparna. Also Drafted a plan to pick whom from where.

Aparna left for home 5:40 to pack her stuff. Kunal went to his room. Initially he waited patiently for me to wind up my work and leave to pick him up. Finally the iron man lost his cool and I had to leave office with work finishing just on time. Drove the car to his place. Collected his belongings, some cash and in the process committed a mistake. On enroute to my aunty's place to collect the camera and waist pouch, Kunal suggested to take the Kapashera Border route instead of National Highway. Any other day the mind would have clicked just on hearing Kapashera Border but that moment was just not ours. Got stuck in a massive damn jam. Finally reached aunty's home, collected the utils, did some shopping, had a decent dinner and left to pick up Aparna and her brother a.k.a. Raghav. After a small search/find exercise, we found these two looking for us on the streets.
So everyone was there. The luggage was placed in the boot, damaging the left speaker wire in the process. Kunal in the pilot's seat and me as the co-pilot. And in 15 minutes, we left for the place of the Gods.

The drive was a pleasant one, Raghav gave all the route directions, roads after roads, reached Delhi Border and then the highway to heaven. the journey had begun.

Saturday 16'th Apr, 00:00:00, Somewhere in U.P.
Tried to get some air for the car tires but simply failed. So continued what we had...stopped on a dhabba to straighten our backs. My one quote was challenged and tossed around in the entire journey. I commited a sin by asking my fellow wanderers if they need a break (infact brake, as i realised it later) as they were sitting in the same location for more than 2 hours. The penalty...they kept asking me every then if i need a steering or a clutch or an accelerator throughout the journey. Couldn't get rid of all car parts until i reached home. It was a great time travelling. Had discussions on varied topics...physics, trucks, their families the names of their children and wive(s) etc. The weather was pleasant and the wind was chill. There was pitch darkness on the two sides of the road. We were moving @ an average speed of 80 kmph. There were a few thrills with some of my breathtaking turns and maverick driving, so recieved some deadly stares and safety fundas from the other passengers. Agreeing to almost every voice in the car, we zipped ahead.

Crossed the beautiful and well planned Roorkee Cantonment city. Last time i visited this place, it was raining like bulls and elephants. Never witnessed such a downpour in my life. This time it was very calm and serene. Aparna and Raghav were almost sleeping with nodding sometimes to mine and Kunal;s comments and talks. Kunal was feeding me with wafers, cookies and soft-drinks every 15 minutes to calm my starving self and also ensured i do not sleep while i'm on the steering.

Then came some adventure n xCitement. I made a general comment that we'll touch Haridwar in 20 mins. It was still around 40 Kms. from our location. Suddenly my statement turned into a bet. Me versus Kunal. Aparna was the time keeper. And Raghav, i'm sure by this time was humming Hallelujah's and praying hard for safety of everyone. I raced, the car, speedometer touched 110 KMpH, still kunal was sure about his victory and i was about mine. But the luck wasn't on my side. After a fine strech which lasted around 5 minutes, there were trucks and more trucks on the road. The road also had no mercy on me. And to top everything, there was a security barricade in front of me. I lost by 5 minutes. I now owe "something" to Kunal.

So, we reached Haridwar. Time around 03:45 A.M. The weather was just getting better and better. We could also hear the river Ganges flowing nearby. We stopped the car just after reaching Haridwar and decided to take a "break" for sometime. I was sitting on the road, Kunal almost disappeared to answer nature's call, Aparna and Raghav preferred to sit in the car.

Here comes a dilemma. Where to go next? 'coz it would be so early to reach our base camp. And too late to check-in the hotel in haridwar which was booked for us! I suggestedan option to unwind ourselves near the bank of river Ganges. Kunal had a better idea to drive to the base camp and relax our bodies before the real thing begins. But Aparna gave a superb idea to go to an area called "Triveni". It was a small bank of the river with mountains all around it and white sand on the shore. We all agreed unanimously. we drove to the place, it was beautiful. Although there were people there taking holy dips and doing some religious stuff, we found the place amazing. The water was chilly and the flow was quite rapid. It was difficult to stand in there even for two minutes. We laid a bed sheet there and lied down. Kunal slept for whatever time he had, while Raghav and I appreciated the flute play by Aparna. Me and Raghav talked about the mountains around and the sunrise time and Aparna was practicing meditation. We were there as the first light of the day was about to unveil itself. And when this happenned, we left for our base camp with a zeal in the eyes and envisaging the things to come. We were headed towards some supernal experience.

Rafting xPedition...A trip to God's country - 2

After getting fresh… (Well no details about how's and where's)…we left for our base camp. I was again the nap-deprived driver as Kunal was in no condition to drive. But he was kind enough to be in the co-pilot zone. The journey began on a hilly track. I had no experience of driving on hills but after 15-20 mins of driving, it becomes usual. So by this time I was driving in my usual self, fast and maverick, but not reckless. Kunal was already dozing while me raghav and aparna were enjoying the picturesque surroundings. Aparna requested to be the co-pilot and kunal agreed instantly. The reason, well he would be in a better position to sleep sitting in the back seat with raghav. The route was dangerous and whatever traffic existed was weighing more than 5 times the weight of the car. Aparna was performing the duties of the co-pilot very well, by reading almost every road signs and safety warnings as they appeared on every turn loud and clear. Also she insisted that I follow these. Don't know if three of these were scared by my driving but I was enjoying the ride passionately. We drove and drove as per the instructions given by Garry on phone @ Triveni. After driving for an hour or so we reached the camp. The time was 7:30 am. There was a guy (don't know his name) and a doggie to welcome us. He showed us the way to the tents and it was down-the-hill. We parked the car, carried our luggage and started descending down on a stony pass way through the jungle. Soon we were able to see our tents. It was an amazing view from the top. Big mountain ranges, a river flowing making great sound, rocks and white sand on the beach and around 10 camps. Pappu and Garry came to greet us as we reached in there. They took our luggage to our tents. We chose the one's which were just 3 meters from the bank of the river. The bedding was nice although there was sand all over. Me and kunal were sharing one tent while the other two siblings were in the adjacent tent. We all just gazed at the marvelous beauty there. Calm and serene. The river was flowing contributing to the only sound which existed there. We roamed around the white sand, throwing rocks in the river, getting a feel of the entire area. On one corner there were our camps, a few meter apart was the breakfast tent and pantry. The loo's were quite innovative although we had a terrible experience every time we had to reply to nature's calls. We rested there for 1 hr or so, had a great breakfast which we never expected in such an isolated region. Played volleyball for a while and by this time, the other group arrived. Very jovious guys n gals. Mostly newly married couples. Seeing the fair ones, Raghav had the sudden and desperate urge to get clean shaven ;).

They took some time getting fresh and having breakfast. And when everyone was ready, we could see Pappu and Garry inflating the Rafts. We were given life jackets, helmets and the paddles. There was a small debriefing session where we were told about rafting, the river, the raft, paddles and the life jackets. We were also ensured safety provided we stick to the instructions and carry the life jacket. Garry was the faculty and he explained the commands and the a's b's and c's of everything in a very humorous and entertaining way. We were divided into two groups as there were two rafts. After been familiarized with the river and the equipment, we were as'd to practice the paddling commands in the shallow waters near the banks. Did fairly well there to respond to the commands of the river guide sitting at the back of the raft. I was sitting at the front side with raghav at the other corner. Aparna was the "<>". So rafting began. Everyone in our raft were following the instructions and responding unlike the other raft. Everyone seemed to be the river guide in the other raft. The assigned river guide must be having a terrible time with 11 undisciplined rovers.

Rafting xPedition...A trip to God's country - 3

The river was getting turbulent as we moved ahead. The initial rapids were easy and lasted just for seconds. But the real ones were very furious and we were feeling being slapped by the waves as they hit the raft. The raft was almost rocking on the waves. Beautiful experience. Something that I never experienced before. When the water became calm and less turbulent, pappu told us to jump into the river and float along the raft holding the lifeline. The swimmers just jumped but the novices like me were a bit hesitant. The water was deep and I am a zero swimmer. But thanks to kunal, aparna and raghav. They made me feel confident and assured to be with me all the time. Having full trust in them, I splashed into the river. It was the experience of the life time. I was floating in the river holding the hand of aparna and kunal. Ragav was trying to teach me swimming but in vain. We floated in the river until we heard the river guide as'd us to get back to the raft. There were big rapids ahead. We got in the boat and took our respective positions. Had a great time with the rapids. The other raft was always ahead of us despite our various attempts to over take them. Everyone on the other raft was doing everything right except following the instructions of the guide. The result…they smashed there raft on the rocks leading to a puncture which left the raft unusable. Thanks to god no one was injured. We somehow got them to the bank of an island. Now we were no where to go. And no one was there to provide any help. Our river guides decided that they will go to the camp in our raft and will get a new one. We were stranded on the island without food, water and boats. Some of the guys in the other group decided to climb up the hill to get something to eat and drink. The four of us decided to trek on the hills. We found a nice place a few meters above the rocks and rested there. There was absolutely nothing to do. After an hour or so, these guys came with whatever they could arrange. They were able to find a small shop over the hill and got some food. They were very kind enough to offer us the cold drinks. We had to wait for another hour or so before Pappu came with a new raft and a new guide. This new guide as'd everyone to be disciplined and to follow the instructions to avoid any accidents. We were again in the river. Facing g rapids as they were coming. The river was getting more and more turbulent but we were also gaining experience how to handle the situation. We were in water for around more than 7 hrs. And doing so everyone was tired and exhausted. As the Marine drive was approaching, everyone was paddling harder to make their raft hit the shore first. Despite being the runners up all the time, we managed to touch the bank first. We were victorious. But there was a tough task ahead of us. To carry the raft uphill where the vehicles were waiting to take us back to the camp. The rafts were heavy and we were tired. But somehow managed. The raft was placed on the top of the sumo and we were being taken to the camps. As we hit our camps, we had no energy left to do anything. Everyone was hungry and a very tempting lunch was prepared for us. We ate like there is no tomorrow and went to sleep. Slept real hard for 4-5 hours. There were plans to play volleyball, cricket but all went into vain as when we got up, it was already dark and the time was nine'ish. After the sleep everyone was feeling fresh and lively. Had nice snacks in the evening. After which we sat and started talking, various subjects, various fundas, leg pulling etc. The protocol was to change the topic of discussion whenever anyone throws peanuts at the others. Usually I was the one who was slinging peanuts at kunal and raghav. The dinner was served. After the dinner we clicked some photographs lying down in the cold white sand. Weird, I would say the photographs were. Spending some memorable time there, we went to sleep. But why should aparna let us sleep? She came to our tent with her flute and started playing it. Kunal also joined her and took some lessons while I was feeling very sleepy. I requested these two to let me sleep but why should they listen to me. Finally I went on sleeping with the cover all over my body and these two played flute on and on as I can remember.

We woke up to a beautiful day. Played volleyball, clicked some snaps, had a decent breakfast. I got this idea to take sand baths, but was too lazy to dig sand. Kunal started digging the pit and we all covered him with sand once it was done. Next it was my turn. Gawd. These three covered me with sand and started playing around with my carved body. These three nuts challenged God's creation and transformed me into something which I can't explain. A photograph says it all.

This splendid time was coming to an end as we had to leave on the same day. No one wanted to leave this paradise. Packed our bags and we were on the wheels again. Kunal and Raghav were driving some other car which was required to be taken to Marine Drive. Me and aparna drove while I introduced her to the music of U2. She was so lost in the music that she slept. Four of us were together at marine drive. We traveled around 20 kms, when Raghav realized that he has left his camera in the other car. Came back, collected the camera and once again set out for home. Traveling was fun. I was feeling very guilty for aparna and raghav as they were treated to loud rock n roll music which me and kunal enjoyed. But these two never complained. Tough people I must say. ;)

Reached Ghaziabad. Heavy traffic. Buffaloes carrying sugarcane everywhere. One such buffalo licked the dust off the rear window. God it was yuck. But nothing we could do about it.
We were hitting our homes soon. Dropped aparna and raghav first. Kunal stayed over at my place. Last 2 days were like a beautiful dream. And this dream was very much over now leaving some unforgettful and memories which will be treasured for life.

Next day when we met in office, we were planning for our next trip…which was also to be realized soon…

When is my time going to come. Why do i always have to carry the unlucky flag with me. For how long i can be positive with the things going around me, acting like unbothered. Why do i have to be the one who has to play a scape goat everytime. Why am i always taken for granted. Disobliged. Dispensable.

I'm a human too...like others. I also have some desires, expectations, pains, feelings and emotions.
I'm going through terrible times these days. Almost hell. This is going to be a very difficult and traumatic experience for me. Everything in universe is in a balanced state. For every suffering moment there should be an equal relishing moment.
When will the time come when i'll be at peace with myself and the events around me. Whem am i going to feel satisfied and fulfilled with what i've got.

My ill fate started since December 2003. A year and 5 months have passed. Instead of moving forward i'm taking giant leaps backwards. I wish there was someone with whom i can share everything. Who could help me out of my blues. Show me the right path. The person who should have been standing next to me and supporting me doesn't even recognizes me anymore.
When is this test going to end. And what goodness its going to bring once/if it gets over.



Right now this blog seems to be a best friend. Listens to me, never complains, never consoles but thats fine.



I need to come out of this hell. I have to make a transition.

xPansion elucidated...

If everything is contained within the universe then where/how is it xPanded? Is there some space outside universe also which facilitates the xPansion?

Listen to me first completely before interrupting...No one will fire rounds at you for listening peacefully.

Consider a hypothetical boundary of the universe. Light is travelling with a velocity = 'c' which is quite a high speed trust me (3e8 m/s). At any given moment of time, the best telescope on the planet can see distance till 'd' light years since light hasn't reached beyond that point. As the Light is travelling, the dark, unexplored portions of this universe are being concealed. So my hypothetical boundary is being xTended coz i can see more. So with each smallest unit of time elapsed, say 't', some more part of the universe is being unveiled. So we say the Universe has xPanded, wherein what's actually happenning is something else. In other words...The Universe is not xPanding you better understand that.

Contradictions: Rishabh how wud you xPlain the concept of doppler effect, the shift of galaxies from each other etc, because your crap is contradicting.

Well right now i may not have the proper reasoning for these but all i need is just a couple of more sleepless nights under the black sky. BTW i dont believe in your concepts about the drift of galaxies and associated blah's. [If a debate starts on this, i have a very sharp weapon to retaliate...my Anti-Kouting philosophy ;)]

This is the only explanation I can think of to live harmlessly with the fact that "Universe is expanding".

No mistake about this...

Vulnerable...Yes
Brittle...No

Ignored beautifully...

Ignored as if non-existent. It couldn't have got more shocking and traumatizing than that moment. Though the eyes were meeting, may be by mistake only, not regularly but still the presence was acknowledged in the same way we bother strangers in a busy public place. The purpose is solved if this is being done to make me feel this way. Never knew a punishment can be so cruel. And i'm also trying best to add to the agony wherever/whenever/however possible. Want to get into each-other's brains to know the reason, feel everything and find the anwer to Why?
The divine must have had a good reason for all these happenings. Wish I could understand!

And they say Walk On. So easy!

Its me! 

The end begins...

Is this the beginning of the end? Realizing that the things are somewhat getting on the same track as some 8-9 months back...a slow, painful, death of the best thing i have in life. And its not getting any better. And the worst part is tht this time also i fail to understand the what's/how's/why's of the happenings. Everything was fine, infact great. On one bad day i got the blasting of a lifetime n things started getting deteriorate after tht day. Last time this phase continued for more than 6 months...but after that period everything got to normalcy. Wonder for how long this will be continuing, and what'll happen after that. Last time i didnt got into the details and why's but this time i'll make sure that i know the reasons, cause before i submit. Although i wont withdraw that easily this time. I wish this time the fault is all mine because i can only take all this if this is a punishment of the words i've said, things i've done or the words i didn't said or the things i didn't do.
Now wonder...is it the beginning of the end or the ending of the beginning!

Why did you do that?

and still doing...

Ein Neuer Anfang

First day in the year 2005...tried best to make the best of it...started in a not so good manner...slogged hard the whole day...working on extremely boring stuff...things which, if given an option i'd never ever do come what may. Don't know if I still have a choice? This is the best question to ask in this state of dilemma but who's to answer? Never being bogged by the quantity of work but its the nature of work that matters. Things will have to get changed. There is no sense of achievement, no feeling of pride, no learning, no respect for myself even if working means slogging for more than 17 hours consecutively. Makes no difference at all. If this continues for long then the mind will begin to rot for sure. Getting bored with the things going on around me. Need a break. But from whom and from what?
Will have to make a new start...may be, beginning with adopting a new perspective of the events around me. Let there be light to show me the way.

*ride and *rejudice

Only thing i can say tht u also suffer in more ways than one if u take drastic headache inducing retaliation steps. The answer to How/Why/What and other such questions u'll subsequently get reading this blog.

Last to last weekend i excruciated my friend Moumita by making her watch 2 movies one after the another. And the choice of the movies was all mine despite the fact that was the call was her's. The first movie i chose, Fahrenheit 9/11 despite the fact tht she hates politics, americanism, wars, election process and blah blah's. It was nothing but a 2 hr documentary movie and both of us had a feeling tht watching some news channel, sitting at home would have served the purpose better. And not to mention the fact that people in the front and back row had a terrible time with two of us together having some fun at their expense.
Would u please mind urself. Excuse me sir, u r disturbing us. Why not two of u take the last seat. Ma'm, we are here to watch a movie. etc etc.

Some how we managed to sit thru the 2 hours, and the others also who were surrounding us. And she was blaming me like anything tht i forced her to sit through such a movie. And i thought this was probably the last time she watched a movie with me but i was hell shocked when as'd me, infact told me tht we are watching another movie, the next show. My obvious first reaction...What!!! r u nuts...its 11:45 PM. And forget the time, how can u sit thru another 2 hours after F9/11." But she insisted and again similiar things started to happen. I was the one who decided the movie to watch. I voted for "Exorcist". I very well knew she gets scared very easily and watching a horror movie tht late in the night wud be never ever acceptable. And I was right. She just said a biiiiiig NO to my proposal and pressed for "*ride and *rejudice". We kept on forcing each other to watch a movie of our choice. Finally the dispute was about to be settled over the throw of a coin. Everything was now depending on fate. I tossed the coin only to find tht i was the loser. When i was about to buy the tickets for the silly movie, I was just shocked to hear the following words from her "Wait! Lets watch Exorcist." The sides were changed...i as'd "Sure???" and after a minute or so we had the tickets in our hands.

By this time my conscience was beginning to question me tht if i was doing the right thing? I very well knew she got frightened very badly evn if i said something like "look who's there behind u etc. etc." over the phone. And i promised her we'll walk out the moment it gets too much for her to handle. While watching the movie i could feel her getting scared to death. She was shivering and i had to close her eyes n ears when something shocking and violent was shown. And she was never willing to leave the movie in between despite my numerous attempts. God i was feeling so guilty with wot i had done. But I tried to do tht best I could do to make her feel comfortable. But the purpose was defeated. After the movie she told me to promise her we'll never ever watch such a movie again. And i nodded.

Came Next week. There was a smell of retaliation in the air. I could smell things go fishy. Mobile Rung. She was online. Ordered me to come for a movie. Once again i was left with no other option but to accord. I reached there. She was a bit late. I saw her marching towards me with a sheepish grin. This time the pleasure was all hers. She went to the ticket counter and got the tickets of "*ride and *rejudice" in a flash. I knew it was going to be a bumpy ride for me and also for her because i can tolerate a hindi movie with songs if its matter of life and death but its impossible for her to do same. She was actually moving forward towards the worse-st two hours of her life. And she realized it soon enough. The hunter became the hunted. It was a torture for both of us watching the movie but again we had a great time together. Ofcourse at the expense of others.
To be continued...

Got Certified

Finally the day came when i appeared for my MCP Certification exam. It was always on mind since the day i joined this industry. Dont ask me the abt the 3 days b4 the exam. Web.Config, authentication, web control and above all ADO.NET haunted me like ghosts. Evn in dreams i was compiling code to get it data displayed correctly in a grid. The day before the exam, i scored less than 50% in the 2 practice tests i took. But somehow donno y i was convinced the i wud be doing better in the real exam. And tht did happen. Scored quite decently and cleared it. Feels good as a certified professional. And the best part is, a major burden has been removed from my brains now. Actually not. Started preparing for the next one.
;)

Procrastination

Yeah yeah i know i havent been blogging since long...but this is promise i've made to myself tht i'm going to devote a couple of nights for this purpose only. When the day is supposed to come is a very good question to ask or rather a very good presumption but believe me tht day is just on the cards. hv lots and lots to write...the processor inside me is keeping track of every single moment which is happenning and making me think one way or other. Soon i will start taking it out as the memory capacity limit is reached.

Am I nuts??

Science and Technology. These are the buzz words of this and the centuries to come. Every single scientific development, research, discovery has been defined and described using the funda of counting or totaling. Since ____ (I don't know when), we humans are being taught the "counting" way of dealing with things. 1 + 1 gives 2 and 3 - 3 gives zilch. For simplicity sake I'll use a self defined term "Kouting" to represent the act of counting in this post.

Did we ever questioned that is there anything scientific which is not bothered by Kouting. All human inventions, discoveries, laws which we say rule this universe and every single thing which we can term as scientific is directly based or derived using Kouting. All the physics, chemistry, biology (and all associated blah's) which we humans have defined and are made to believe since our existence is simply based upon the paradigm of Kouting.

I ask, who defined Kouting. Ofcourse...we, the humans. So this Kouting is just "some way to deal with things" which exists only on a small planet in this vast universe. Basically the only tool which we have used over the years to explain all the phenomenons which we have theorized. Our world works on the funda of Kouting.

Don't u think that what wud have happenned if we were having some other tool or instrument other than this Kouting? We humans are trying to overwhelm ourselves by trying to explore the far ends of this universe, research and develop new technologies, appliances of science and what not. Can we be ever able to understand this universe merely using the only tool we have? We have evolved throught the ages and the speed with which we are moving forward to the future is awsome...infact unbelievable. But aren't we going in a very typecast way, we are running forward in straight lane which has huge walls all over the sides...and we never bothered to look beyond those walls to see what lies outside....

Floating strenuously

Feeling an alltime high...the reason, well still trying to figure out. Its like one of the days when u wake up with an xtra zing of energy. First obvious assertion...but no...i slept around 02:15 last night. So can't say, okay Rishabh, ur feeling on clouds coz u hd a sound sleep unlike the other days. But instead of wasting time thinkin about all this, let me utilize the moment for constructive and creative purposes. Ask me anything to do, and God, i'll do it just purrfectly. I'll conquer the world 2day...Hope it continues forever...Life is just beautiful...its always is!!!

simple question...

A simple question which is haunting my mind for the last 10 days or so. Never been bothered by any set of events or the "THE" things to come. Never ever felt the anxiety to find answers to the questions normally i wud answer by clinchers like "hey wot has happenned to u????" or like "Hey...i wud also like to drink wot u had this dawn" or "how do you manage to think about thinking all this?". But this time...i just got wordless, thoughtless, absolute dumb...numb. Had to run away but still the question follows. She as'd me,

It is difficult to analyze which question should i look out for an answer...this question itself or the reason why this popped up.


"Rishabh...why do we gradually loose the people we value the most in our lives? Why there can't be somethings which can never be left behind?"

Feeling nostalgic...

So finally the day arrives when i'm using my keyBORED not for programing but to write something coming directly out of mind, seamlessly.

spoke with karan yesterday after a month. he's also settled a bit after shifting to bangalore. told me tht Infy is also Big Labels but hollow inside. Same projects, processes, frustrated people but better infrastucture which soothes and encapsulates the process of continual stagnation. One bad thing talking to him is tht he reminds me of the Golden days we spend together at NIIT-CRCS (center for research in cognitive systems, IIT-Delhi). Everytime we talk, we come to discussing CRCS which makes me go thinking about the days and each and every moment i spend there which will never come back again. With every passing day, i feel the distance between tht place (which meant more thn home to me), people there and me is increasing. Why is it not possible for us to erase the memories from our minds no matter how good or bad these r. I think good memories are hard and takes long to fade. Initially i remember so painful it was for me to switch over to HCL Technologies from CRCS. Business minded people, processes, infrastructure and everthing. There is nothing here which makes u think and care about the organization and the projects...unlike CRCS. Felt like working without passion. But more than all this is the importance of the fact tht one has to move forward in life cutting all the strings tht tie us to the past, hindering us facing the windward and the future. this is one lesson which is tough to implement in life. One has to tear down the walls tht holds us inside. No one can be angry and happy at the same time...but we can certainly choose to be angry or happy. I've chosen to be happy no matter wot life throws at me.

My best-est friend Moumita told me these words before we decided to part ways...

"One thing you will soon realize that emotional attachments do not give anything other than pains because we keep on expecting from people without understanding their limitations and in the process we hurt them and mostly we hurt ourselves.You should try to grow up as an emotionally independent and strong human being who does not depend on someone else to be happy and content in life. You can never find happiness and contentment outside yourself. You have to find strength within. Then doesn't matter what happens doesn't matter who says what, you can be happy with yourself. Just try to be true to your inner core. That is the only thing that's yours. No relation, no project, nothing is only yours and nothing can be yours for ever."

These are the very fundas which form the basis of my life.